"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
What do runners eat before a big race?
Fast food.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Treat yo shelves.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
I know an old owl named Boo,
Every night he yelled Hoo,
Once a kid walked by,
And started to cry,
And yelled I don't have a clue!
You are beryllium, gold, and titanium all rolled into one. Simply BeAuTi-ful.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
Believe in your elf.
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.