There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.

The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.

(Jeffrey Krise)

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon

I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.

What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.

A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.

Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.

The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.

I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.

What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.

“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous

Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.

"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce

What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?

Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.

What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.

“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.

Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.

When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

I saw a squirrel running in circles in my yard today…
I think it lost its nuts.

Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.

You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.

Don’t go bacon my heart.

When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!

In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?

What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.

What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!

Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.

When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.

If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.

Don't get tide-up in sorrows, you will only cry a river.

What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.

When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!

Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!

Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.

“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”

That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.

What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!

What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.