What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.