“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
"Eggs love you."
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar