Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way, I’m coming through!
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What did the bat say when she was invited to dinner?
No, fangs. I just ate.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.