What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Do you know what I did last night? I put Easter eggs in a heart shape for you to find!
Do you squat here often?
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
I think you're mer-mazing.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
Q: How is hurricane season like Christmas?
A: At some point, there’s going to be a tree inside your house.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
You want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.