I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
I froze some raspberries last summer. You're hot enough to defrost them.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.