Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
You have a pizza my heart.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
My cell phone got drunk.
It took too many screenshots.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Do you need some encourage-mint?
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.