“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
Love me till ice cream.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.