Did you hear about the neutron who was arrested?
He was released without charge.

“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld

I need a date; do you know where I could find one?

What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.

Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.

How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.

Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!

How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen

What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.

The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.

What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.

An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!

Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.

What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

What are ants made of?
Antimatter.

Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown

“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett

My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”

He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”

I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.

What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.

What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.

"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.

Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.

After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.

The ocean cut off all ties with the river, because the river turned out to be too shallow.

Every time i see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up.

Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"

What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.

I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.

Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.

What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV

When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?

Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.

Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.

"Halfway Down"

Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.

Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!

– A. A. Milne

Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.

What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.