Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.

Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.

What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.

You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

- Randy Johnson

What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.

Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.

Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.

What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go MOO!

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.

Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).

An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.

I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.

Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.

How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!

What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.

It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.

Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.

Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!

What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!

Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?

What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!

They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.

If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.

I want a taste of your Milky Way.

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.

Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.

Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!

What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.

Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.

I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.

What do cars play at the weekend?

Golf.

What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!

Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!

Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.

What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!