I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
You're hotter than a data center!
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.