I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Hey babe, I’ve been straining my oculomotor nerve looking everywhere for you.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Why did the girl decide to become an art dealer? Because she wanted more Monet.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.