The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
You have a pizza my heart.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
“Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
Pugs and kisses.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Are you a lumberjack?
Why, because I give you wood?
No, because you have masculine forearms and you're wearing Wranglers jeans.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
A bit late but here goes anyway: what do you call the elf who checks Santa's grammar?
A subordinate claus!
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
John Travolta has been diagnosed with the Corona Virus.
He had chills that were multiplying.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.