Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Nice legging. Are you making a fashion statement? Because you got my attention.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
Babe, all the trail leads straight to you.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Why did the dog fail his driving test?
Because he couldn’t parallel bark.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"