Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.

I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.

Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.

What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.

Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.

“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.​” — Stanley J. Randall

How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.

There’s no trick in these pants.

I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.

Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.

Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.

I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.

How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.

What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.

Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola

Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.

Turns out it was just a pipe dream.

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!

My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.

Hey baby, let me take you on a trip around the world.

Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.

How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?

Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.

What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.

Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.

Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.

There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?

What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.

What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!

“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made

I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.

The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.

Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!

What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti

Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.

Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.

Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…

Mermaids always drink mermosas.

"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous

What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.

"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown

I hate windy weather. It really blows.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”

- Bette Davis.

How rude-olf of you.