Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Poor white splash.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
I don’t always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What did the beaver mention to a tree? It has been nice gnawing you.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
I'm not gay but I'll learn.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
If I wrote a cookbook, you'd be the featured recipe.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Theres a party in my pants and your invited.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Why didn't the conductor know what to do when he found that his train was missing?
He wasn't trained for this.
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.