Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
Are you heading to India? 'Cause I'd Goa anywhere with you!
I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
As the incessant rain washed away the blue paint of the house, the owner sighed and said, "Cyanara!"
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.