“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
There was an Old Man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, 'I will scratch it,'
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of that tree? Because you’re a star.
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
Whenever I saw the beautiful smile on your face, my heart jumps like a happy little kangaroo.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
The sun replies: I hurt everyone when they come close to me.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
We’re in a-green-ment.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!