"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Has anyone told you you have the best smile ever? Honestly, its Nat-a-lie!
It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
Why do fish like worms?
Fish like worms because they’re hooked on them.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Don’t be elfish.