I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz? Start off with 2 million.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
I don't normally make the first move, but there was just something dif-fur-ent about you.
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.