There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
Are you squiding me right now?
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
I heard there is a vampire on the loose, you better stay with me.
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
You’ve got more curves than a cross country track.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.