"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
There was once a jolly happy mountain that offered fantastic advice to a grumpy hill. "Change your altitude", he said!
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
"I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge."
— Unknown
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Did you have sugar? Because you got a sweet smile.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
Why did the two puns go to camp together?
They wanted to be pun-kmates!
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.