“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
I wish I was an ion, so I could form an exothermic bond with you.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker