“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
Can February March? No. But April May.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.