The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
What kind of tree does a chicken come from?
A poul-tree.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when they would rather be someplace else.”
– Len Wein
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
An army of werewolves is known as a Fur-eign Legion.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.