The frequency of bad physics puns on this category...
It hertz.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
I beg your garden?
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moonday.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
I’ve never seen stars as beautiful as your eyes.
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.