You, me, we
Two souls stuck together, like a piece of meat
You, me, us
My love shines bright for you, like a big yellow bus
You, me, us two
My love for you can be smelled for miles
Like an old stinky shoe

(Anonymous)

My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!

Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.

“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln

You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.

What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.

"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck

What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.

Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen

What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"

"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."

If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.

Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.

Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.

According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?

“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst

Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.

What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.

What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.

“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley

Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!

One should always practice what they peach.

Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”

When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.

Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!

What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.

What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.

What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.

How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.

Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy

You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.

(Unknown)

Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...

The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers

What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!