Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Are you made of uranium? I’m made of iodine! That explains why all I can see is U and I together.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
We’ll have a ball.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Rabbit.
Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?