Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.
(Theodore Higgingsworth)
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
I can keep increasing the resistance on my bike, but I just can't resist you.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.