Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
Tonight I will be exercising my freedom of assembly… outside your bedroom window.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
I applied for a job as an Instructor at a Scuba Diving center. The interviewer wanted to know if I can work well under pressure.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Nothing really mattress.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
What do dogs and Santa have in common?
They are both seen Dachshund through the snow.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Hatch
Hatch who?
God bless you!
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
I’ll have a crocodile sandwich please, and make it snappy!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.