What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.