What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
You must be Niagara Falls because you’ve taken my breath away.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
Feeling fintastic.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
The boot black brought the black boot back.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
I was having a pretty boring night but now it’s looking a lot more Evelyn-tful
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.