"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
I changed my password to "incorrect."
So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect."
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
What is a cat’s favorite deal? Buy one, get one furry.
It's so hot that all the water buffalo at the zoo evaporated.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
If you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
What do you call an artist without a palette? Someone who makes paintings without taste.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing In Killing
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
The direction fields of my heart all point to you.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!