Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
What was Santa's best subject in school? Chemistree.
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
How did the witch feel about using her broom to do housework?
She bristled at the suggestion!
What do you call a hairy monster that lives by a dam?
A weir-wolf.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!