Are you a human? Just making sure.
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
I eat eel while you peel eel
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ben
Ben who?
Ben knocking on this door all morning, let me in!
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
You make miso happy.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Are you my favorite book? Because when I think about you I touch my shelf.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Are you a fairy? Because you are the fulfillment of all my wishes.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."