When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
"Be kind, re-wine."
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
“I think if we tell people that the brain is an app, they will start using it.”
Anonymous
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
It was mitten in the stars.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.