The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
My love for you is like no otter.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
You’ve been working too yard.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
We should make like your parents and split.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.