If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
What did the penguin say after he went shopping?
Put it on my bill.
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.