As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
Practice safe text: use commas.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert!
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
"My cat doesn't like you."
Sea you at the beach.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.