Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
You're the only sight I want to see today.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." - Ashley Montagu
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
You look a lot like my next victim.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
How do you tranfer funds even faster than electronic banking? By getting Married.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi