Need an ark?
I noah guy.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
What does a door to door flower salesman do?
Petal his wares.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
Why did the mommy and daddy werewolves call their son “Camera”?
Because he was always snapping at things!
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
The Best Break Up Lines
Want to know a joke? Our relationship.