“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
I love you I love you
I do
I’ll play the kazoo
I may not be good
It may be too loud
I love you I love you
I’ll dance a jig
I may miss a step
or fall on my pig
I love you I love you
I do
even if this poem isn’t cool
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Are you sugar? Because I just had sweet dreams about you.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
I like you a latke!
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Did you hear that famous blonde haired actress has been stabbed? She's called Reese, Erm...
Witherspoon?
No, with a knife.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Where do Russians get their milk?
From Mos-cows.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Have you heard about the roman numeral hospital?
All they have is IVs!
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.