Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
If I had a penny for every time I dropped a penny, I would have none!
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
I’ve always thought that heck is the only thing hotter than the sun but that has all changed today.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
Biology - The only science where multiplication and division are the same thing.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
Someone said you were looking for me.
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
What’s the difference between Jesus and pizza?
Jesus can’t be topped.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.