Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
Bad spelling makes me sic.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Mooning is very ASStrological
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
You are my butter-half!
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
My dog ate my computer science homework.
It took him a couple of bytes.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business
The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.