What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
My fridge is hotter than you.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
You can dump tea in my harbor any time.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.
“No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife.
I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
I would give anything to be your personal item.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
All you need is MY love
She sells seashells by the seashore.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
You’ve been working too yard.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner