“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Your presents is requested.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
If I got a star for every time I thought of you, I would have a whole galaxy.
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?