Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.

Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.

If you were a puck, I'd never shoot. Because I would always miss you.

What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”

Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.

What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!

Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.

Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.

Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.

What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.

Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.

"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown

Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?

My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.

What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!

What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.

Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.

The couple who married during autumn lived apple-ly ever after!

What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.

Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.

Would Gretzky have changed his name in order to play in Mexico?
Yes, The Great Juan did what it takes.

What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”

Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.

Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman

To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.

"Good things come slow. Especially in distance running."
Bill Dellinger

"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns

I'm snow bored.

What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!

What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.

One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.

What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!

The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.

I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.

"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)

Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.

What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?