What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.

4G, or not 4G, that is the question.

Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .

I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.

"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”

- Marsha Norman

I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.

Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover

I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.

How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

Why did the chimpanzee cross the road?
Because he had to take care of some monkey business.

Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.

What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!

Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.

(Unknown)

Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.

The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it

My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.

If you were in the jungle and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

I meditate about you. Will you do the same too?

I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.

I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.

What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan

In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.

Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.

I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."

Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."

When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.

What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.

The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.

Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.