When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Are you maple syrup? ‘Cause you taste so sweet.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
Bookworms take shelfies.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
Hey, do you still remember me? Oh, that’s right. We only met in my dreams.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton